I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
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[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
This is my bus stop.