Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
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me when I see my crush
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I have a type: disappointing
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it