Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard đ°
My baby:
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Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Iâll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, Iâm done.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
A farmer asked his neighbor
âI think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?â
âCastor oilâ
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
âHey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!ââKilled mine tooâ
Need WebMD
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Oh yeah thatâs it
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
someone once broke up with me because they âhad a big crush on this random person at a partyâ and it made them realize they werenât that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
No matter what country theyâre in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently Iâm now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gatesâ pants.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: youâre the one who wanted to be in construction. I shouldâve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didnât know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and Iâm pretty sure he thinks I have gas
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Friend: Iâve been so productive lately! Today Iâm gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: Thatâs awesome. Iâm gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
when my four year old asked âmommy does a snowman have 3 balls?â I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids