ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
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Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My favorite female superhero
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?