[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT