Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow