I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
You Might Also Like
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist