The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.