To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
You Might Also Like
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I drew y’all a little something.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.