[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I want to meet the individual who made this
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Spring cleaning checklist…
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor