I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
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I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”