Are these grass-fed oranges?
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The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Lmao
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?