this is how life feels
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I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
May have had one breakfast too many
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
The only good comments section online is on recipes