I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
You Might Also Like
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat