The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*