I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
This is sending me to another galaxy
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume