U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
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If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.