I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
How is it still this week?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing