“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.