A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
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Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My five year plan is a meteorite
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut