When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
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Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation