6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
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People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The little toadstool has spoken.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes