Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Shortcut
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.