Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
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Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Looking at you, Jesus.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers