[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
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me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
“just sayin” who asked you though?
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.