Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
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[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My flabber has been gasted.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.