[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
You Might Also Like
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
This is the best one I’ve seen
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look