ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Boom, boom, ching!
Finished stitching this today 😇
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks