Still cracks me up
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.