Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
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people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now