I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
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Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Education is vital
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Introverted vegans go meetless
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.