[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
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Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Worth the read.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…