My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
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This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.