My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
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Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
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1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
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ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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Me: No.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
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