I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
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My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
The internet is magic sometimes.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!