The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
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[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
no their not
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“No way.” -Jose
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.