The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
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23. the denim jacket
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.