me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
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I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
same bro
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day