The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
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5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
There is no “we” in pizza
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.