I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you