it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
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Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
This is my cat’s medicine.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Tony Hawk, age 6
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail