LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Love is in the air fryer.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo