My dad is at it again
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Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Sell your car
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Wednesday
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not