Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
God has left this place
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.