Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My kitchen overserved me.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Thursday Thought.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I am also baked goods
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong