Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
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[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I would like even faster food.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
mood
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime