PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
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Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”