All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
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Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
i want to work in this restaurant
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog