COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
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FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
😅🤣😂
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.