Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…